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Mythic Consultation – Feb. 2011

Welcome to the first edition of Mythic Consultation! This isn’t just another advice column with a panel of know-it-alls who answer sappy questions. We have a panel of planeswalkers, those gifted few who are able to move between planes of existence. With their unique abilities and experiences, they can offer up advice unlike any others, and we’re proud to have them here with us.

Chandra NalaarChandra Nalaar is a fiery young lady who always, always follows her heart. She joins us here as part of her court-mandated community service for her conviction on charges of arson and criminal mischief.

Sorin MarkovSorin Markov is an ancient and world-weary vampire. His long life and many struggles with adversity have given him an…interesting…outlook on the multiverse and its inhabitants.

Jace the Mind SculptorJace the Mind Sculptor knows a thing or two about the high life. We’re grateful that he’s able to take time out of his hectic schedule to lend his massive intellect to our distinguished panel.

Sarkhan the MadSarkhan the Mad showed up without any invitation at all. We think he got in through the ventilation system.

“I slept with my brother’s best friend. It was just a one-time thing, but my brother found out and is mad at me. What should I do?”

Chandra – What business is it of his anyway? It’s not like you’re trying to have a relationship with this guy. Sometimes the fires of passion take over and just consume your judgment. Besides, you’re an independent woman, and if he can’t get over it you can always burn his house down.

Sorin – At least your brother cares enough to be mad at you. My brother refuses to admit that we’re related. Can I be friends with your brother instead?

Jace – Send him on a nice cruise, or maybe a French winery tour. That will give him plenty of time to cool off and relax. If that doesn’t work, you can always just buy him a nice Rolls to tool around in.

Sarkhan – Sleeping was your first mistake. Everyone knows that’s when the Licids slither into your occipital lobe. Hey, that could be the solution. Sing your brother a nice lullaby…

“Is it bad of me to surround myself with uglier people so that I look good by comparison?”

Chandra – I don’t think that’s really a bad thing, because now they have a hot friend to hang out with. Besides, if you do find someone better looking to spend time with, it’s no big deal to singe off an eyebrow or two.

Sorin – So that’s why all these people want me around all the time. Thanks a lot. We’re all ugly on the inside anyway.

Sarkhan – You need to be careful about choosing friends based on appearances alone. Because when the time comes, whose skin would you choose to borrow?

Jace – If you have the means, a quick spell of illusion can make you appear to be the most attractive in your group to all outsiders. Then you can stop worrying about appearances and focus on the important things, like how much money they make. After all, a Bugatti and a little post-hypnotic suggestion will make anyone look like a million bucks.

“If you could eat all the $100 bills you wanted but could only keep the ones you threw up, how many would you eat?”

Chandra – What kind of a jackass made that rule up? Who are they to say which bills I can and can’t keep? It’s this kind of crap that causes people to sympathize with those Warren Instigators, you know what I’m saying?

Sorin – I think that would demean the whole experience of throwing up, so I’d probably just not bother. Hmmm…I think I just got an idea for my next art project…

Jace – Oh I’d probably just stop when I got full. I’m sure I’ve got plenty more lying around the house.

Sarkhan – …That doesn’t even make sense.

“I’m dating 3 guys at once, but none of them know about the others. What is the proper amount of time to leave between dates so that they won’t run into each other during the drop off/pick up transition?”

Chandra – Why stop at just three? There are 24 hours in a day, girlfriend.

Sorin – Why go to the extra effort to protect them? They need to learn that everyone is either ignorant, betrayed, or both. Do you really think you’re the only one they’re dating? You’re only fooling yourself by thinking you’re the only one who’s ever thought of this. …I can’t even imagine dating all three of my friends.

Jace – There’s no sense being shy. Treat them all to one big date! Be sure to spring for a few bottles of Dom to soothe their bruised egos. That reminds me, I need to call those Sen Triplets back…

Sarkhan – Leave no trace and cast no shadow. No one must tell the tale of your Date Night. This is the only way.

We’d like to thank our panel of planeswalkers for their time and wisdom, and remind you all to check back again soon for another Mythic Consultation.

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  1. Patrickd117
    February 25, 2011 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

    Lol, this is really quite funny, Sarkhan is crazy. This should become a continuous feature. Good to see the site finally live.

  2. The Jace Kid
    February 27, 2011 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    So I just bought this nifty Hall of MIrrors…. 😀
    And yes, living the Ravnica high life is amazing.

  3. ChuChuJelly
    February 27, 2011 at 8:02 pm | Permalink

    Check your ventilation for dragons…

    Nice article Chewie, keep em coming on any sort of regular basis and I’ll keep checking back here! (Monthly, weekly, I don’t really care, but please not completely random! ;P)

  4. March 5, 2011 at 6:08 pm | Permalink

    I really think it would be great to go drinking with all these guys. Jace and Chandra would be flirting with everyone, Sarkhan would be drinking until he passes out, rambling crazily the whole time and Sorin would sit in the shadows at the end of the bar, drinking gloomily and automatically attracting women. And then we’d all escape on Sarkhan’s dragon and leave Jace with the bar bill. Best. Bar night. Ever.

    • The Jace Kid
      March 5, 2011 at 7:04 pm | Permalink

      You jerk! That explains why I woke up on the floor of the bar with a huge bill stapled to my gauntlet!

      • March 7, 2011 at 1:22 am | Permalink

        Eh, it’s what we do. Also, we stole your cape and replaced it with a nonmagical replica.

  5. March 7, 2011 at 3:24 am | Permalink

    Lol loved it! Though the second question threw me off when you switched up the order of the answers. If you read the Jace novel, Sarkhan’s answer could just as easily apply to Jace.

  6. Poisoned Fly
    March 7, 2011 at 11:50 am | Permalink

    Very entertaining, especially Jace. He kind of reminds me of my future self…

  7. March 8, 2011 at 6:15 pm | Permalink

    This is really cool, keep up the good work guys! Sorin, you really need to lighten up a little!

  8. Citizen Token
    March 9, 2011 at 4:19 pm | Permalink

    Thank God that Nicol Bolas didn’t drop in. That could have been the end of us all. And then of course Ajani would have followed him making all sorts of crazy soul illusions and stuff and we’d have had some silly planeswalker brawl right on the website. Jace would run away, Sarkhan would have lost his mind, and Sorin’d be all like “**** this”, and ‘walked back to Zendikar. Crazy stuff…

  9. March 16, 2011 at 2:07 pm | Permalink

    For the record… I wouldn’t run away. Okay, maybe if I was going to die.

  10. Cramble
    March 19, 2011 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

    I feel like the magic show kinda stole this idea… and what happened to the magic show anyway?

    • Chewie
      March 19, 2011 at 7:50 pm | Permalink

      I dunno, I’ve only ever watched it once or twice, and that was a long time ago. Whatcha mean they stole it? And whatcha mean what happened to it?

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