Welcome back to another edition of Mythic Consultation. We have assembled our crack panel of planeswalkers, those gifted few with the ability to travel through the Blind Eternities to the myriad planes of the multiverse. They’ve returned to once again offer their insight and knowledge to you, our inquisitive public.
Chandra Nalaar is a fiery young lady who always, always follows her heart. She joins us here as part of her court-mandated community service for her conviction on charges of arson and criminal mischief.
Sorin Markov is an ancient and world-weary vampire. His long life and many struggles with adversity have given him an…interesting…outlook on the multiverse and its inhabitants.
Jace the Mind Sculptor knows a thing or two about the high life. We’re grateful that he’s able to take time out of his hectic schedule to lend his massive intellect to our distinguished panel.
Our special guest Planeswalker had to cancel at the last minute, but luckily one of our janitors found Sarkhan the Mad out behind the dumpsters.
“I’ve like, loved this boy forever, but my best friend is TOTALLY asking him out. Am I allowed to stab her?” – Britney, Laguna Beach
Chandra – Hoo boy, I got in a little trouble last time, so let me think about this. Some people think you’re supposed to avoid violence and solve your problems with words. Of course, some people also need to get out from behind that desk and remove that Staff of Domination from their hindquarters. Fun first aid tip for you though: If you heat a blade enough, it will cauterize a wound as it makes it.
Sorin – I have walked these worlds long enough to understand that you have already made your decision. Just be sure you don’t spend the next hundred millenia paying it. If you do…you want to go out sometime?
Jace – Why stab her yourself when you can hire a team of mercenaries to take care of her for a few paltry handfuls of platinum? Not only is that a great deal (these guys must really love their jobs, working so cheap) but you also get to keep your record clean.
Sarkhan – Hey, you found my Staff!
“Who relights the sun every morning?” – Andy, Zihuatanejo
Chandra – A big ball of fire comes hurtling across the sky and suddenly everyone’s impressed. I mean come on, it takes like 10 hours to do it! So we’re talking about the whole sky here? I could pull that off in about 15, maybe 20 minutes tops. I don’t see what the big deal is.
Sorin – Let me tell you, whoever he is, he has one sick sense of humor.
Jace – Oh, you mean Terashi? I was at this party at his place last year. Yeah it was me, Urza, Tevesh Szat, even Teferi showed up. It was a blast. And then later we were hanging out above Konda’s castle, just zapping samurai with sun lasers. What a great guy.
Sarkhan – This is a common misconception. The Sun never actually ‘goes out’. He waits in ambush throughout the night. One day my Staff and I will be there to catch Him off guard, and then those smug ‘morning people’ shall finally know true lethargy.
“You are trapped in a mall full of zombies. What is your weapon of choice, and who do you trust to watch your back?” -Frank & Chuck, Colorado
Chandra – Zombies burn, right? Just give me a hefty chunk of red mana and I’m good to go. I think I’ll just go it alone though. I had a guy try to watch my back once, but he was into neck biting. Really freaky…
Sorin – What the hell is that supposed to mean? Never mind. I do love hanging out at the mall, and zombies are good people. I knew this necromancer named Lim-Dul a few thousand years back; he was a real artist. It was breathtaking what he could do with a pile of bones and rotting flesh.
Jace – Mind magic doesn’t work so well on the mindless undead, does it? Oh well. I guess I’d just have one of my personal helicopters come pick me up. My personal assistant, Erayo, can run interference while I escape with the lovely Elvish Ranger that I dramatically rescued from the undead horde. This is good stuff, I need to write this down.
Sarkhan – Have you ever seen what a lawnmower can do to overripe muscle? I wish my mother could be there to see it. *sniff* She would be so proud of me.
“What are your favorite pick up lines?” – ‘The Incident’, Jersey
Chandra – As a very attractive woman, I’ve got more experience hearing pick up lines than delivering them. Whatever you do, don’t ever mention moon pants, falling from heaven, Jamaica, lost phone numbers, the Flintstones, or alphabet rearrangement. If the girl you’re talking to has any sense at all, she’ll have whatever guy she does take home beat you up in the parking lot. Then you’ll end up all alone forever like Grandma Sengir over here.
Sorin – I’ll have you know I have a perfectly functional pick up line. You’ll see it if you go back up to the first question. It works. Has worked. Once. Sort of. Fine, not really. Happy now?
Jace – I get the impression you’re not that good with words, much like our vampiric friend here. My advice to you is to just set her and her friends up with a couple bottles of Cristal and you’re in. I haven’t had to use pick up lines in forever though. I just have to point and say “You”.
Sarkhan – Come, together we will lie in wait for the Sun.
Thanks again to our panel for all their time and…unique responses. If you’re feeling brave and have a question for the planeswalkers, feel free to send it to email@example.com. Maybe you’ll be the next person to get… advice… from our panel of ‘walkers!