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Extraplanar Augury – New Phyrexia Edition

New PhyrexiaGreetings my children. Welcome to another Extraplanar Augury reading. As our team of enlightened planeswalkers began peering into the Blind Eternities to gather data for our readings, they realized something unsettling. One of the younger planes, Mirrodin, was going through a very troubling time as it neared our own plane. After some brief but dangerous journeys to investigate, our planeswalkers discovered the presence of the Phyrexians, the ancient horrors that caused the planar overlay of Rath and Dominaria so long ago. They were in the process of destroying all other life on the plane, converting it to a New Phyrexia. Such a shift in the nature of a plane is going to have serious repercussions on everyone, albeit in different ways depending on your sign. This reading is to prepare you for the effects of New Phyrexia’s sudden influence over the coming days.

 


Timmy
(Jan 1 – Jan 30)
You will feel drawn to the spirits of the Phyrexian Praetors, especially those of the Grand Cenobite and the Voice of Hunger. While they may be generally unsavory characters, you should bend their essences to your will and use the power as you see fit. Perhaps you could find new uses for a Swarmlord. And be sure to enjoy an Etched Monstrosity whether you can activate it or not.


Johnny
(Jan 31 – Feb 28)
Sheoldred, Whispering One will live up to the name, her hushed tones stimulating your mind in new and possibly amazing ways. You will also spend a fair amount of time contemplating the Ubermyr and how to assemble it quickly. To calm yourself and better understand your own potential, take a long look at an Unwinding Clock and make use of a Rage Extractor (although not necessarily at the same time).


Spike
(Mar 1 – Mar 31)
If you encounter it, freely embrace the horror of the Phyrexian Obliterator to crush your opposition (so long as they are unaware that they can Go for the Throat to defeat it). For those times when you find yourself in need of a skillful and subtly powerful weapon, pick up a Sword of War and Peace. When you just need to get the job done, there is always a Batterskull waiting for you.


Vorthos
(Apr 2 – May 1)
Be sure to take a Defensive Stance when you end up in a Bludgeon Brawl with a close friend. Because of who you are, you will embrace Melira, Sylvok Outcast when she comes to you whether there is danger of infection or not. If you need to go on the offensive, remember to use Parasitic Implants – they fit perfectly into your particular idiom.


Melvin
(May 2 – May 31)
During these trying times, you will need a trinket to keep yourself calm. A Pristine Talisman will do this and more for you. If you are feeling down and low on energy, keep a look out for a Mycosynth Wellspring – it will fix you right up. With your newfound initiative, you should be able to Dispatch any problems that come your way.


Aggro
(Jun 1 – Jun 30)
No, Porcelain Legionnaire is not a euphemism for anything, it is something you should seriously consider picking up soon. If you hear a loud sound off in the distance, it is probably a Thundering Tanadon – you should go check that out too. In case of an Act of Aggression, remember the advice of the Urabrask the Hidden and release the Hounds. Just be wary of getting Gut Shot in the process. If you need a quick refresh, just remember how well Tezzeret’s Gambit worked out for him.


Control
(Jul 1 – Jul 30)
Beware the influence of Jin-Gitaxias on your attitude towards others. It will probably turn your friends against you. Keep a Norn’s Annex close by in case they turn aggressive, and a Spellskite handy for when they turn passive-aggressive. Gitaxian Probes are perfectly fine and are in fact encouraged if you are trying to figure out what they have been plotting.


Combo
(Jul 31 – Aug 29)
When Melira, Sylvok Outcast visits you, she will come bearing a Soul Conduit, offering a gift of Phyrexian Unlife that will lead to immortality. You will be tempted, but realize before answering that the immortality she offers is unstable at best, and you may end up compleated in the end. Also, when the time comes for your Bloodchief Ascension, do not forget your Mindcrank. You will need it.


Constructed
(Aug 30 – Sep 29)
There are many answers for you in the coming months. A Mental Misstep might be just be a blessing in disguise. You may choose to Despise a soon-to-be-discovered Hex Parasite, but be sure to think about it first. It could be exactly what you need to unleash your Beast Within. Be sure to consider a Surgical Extraction of anything that might be causing you pain in the future.


Limited
(Sep 30 – Oct 30)
If confronted with a Blinding Souleater, do not be afraid. It wants to help you. You can enlist the aid of the Pith Drillers to help you Dismember even the most formidable of enemies. When backed into a corner, do not panic – you will discover your Beast Within and triumph. If all else fails, turn to the various and sundry types of Splicers for the final push, they will give you a definite advantage.


Commander
(Oct 31 – Nov 30)
Jor Kadeen, the Prevailer could prove an apt replacement for Agrus Kos, Wojek Veteran if you are looking for a change in your middle management. If you are looking to increase your personal power, see if you can handle a Caged Sun. The newly liberated Karn should be able to lend a hand no matter what direction you might be going. If you are just feeling blue, look to a Phyrexian Ingester to join with your Duplicant and offer assistance removing problems.


MODO
(Nov 31 – Dec 31)
You might consider becoming a Suture Priest. They do not have terribly much to do, but they do have access to Loyal Legions, Piercing Vision, Limitless Power, Burning Rage, and Boundless Growth. Plus, there is absolutely no bookkeeping involved, and you are guaranteed to never miss a trigger. Also, you will probably get sick of the symbol for Phi, as every time you see it you will be forced to answer a question about life.


Ophidian
(Feb 29, Apr 1)
I’ve got to write another one for this loser? Um…enjoy the Caress of Phyrexia. It’s not an Evil Presence, I assure you. Be sure to keep your Darksteel Relics handy, since they can do so much for you. No really, those things are amazingly versatile. And when you see an Omen Machine, just dive right in, it’ll be perfectly fine.

 

DISCLAIMER: Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only and may not reflect the outcome of future events, planar invasions, coin flips, mana screw or mass removal. Scry services require a Mana Pool Gold account. Not valid on the planes of Equilor or Iquatana. Also, big thanks to Panahinuva for the assist.

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6 Comments

  1. May 12, 2011 at 11:39 am | Permalink

    You are welcome sir! Looking forward to helping out with the M12 one!

    Forever a Modo. Ah well, at least I like the shrines.

  2. May 12, 2011 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    Well I’m glad to be a spike now. I’m just going to count on my enemies only having Doomblades, or better yet Terrors so I can destroy them with massive damage Muhahaha!

  3. May 12, 2011 at 11:11 pm | Permalink

    Some of the dates on the Horoscopes are a botched. xD But oh well… I think it’s time I invested in those shrines.

    • May 12, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Permalink

      Whatcha mean? The dates look right to me, am I missing something?

  4. Austin
    June 13, 2011 at 12:20 pm | Permalink

    Constructed players, such as myself, have learned not to DESPISE our MENTAL MISSTEPS, such as they lead to our BEAST WITHIN revealing our HEX PARASITE. That just leads to SURGICAL EXTRACTION after SURGICAL EXTRACTION after SURGICAL EXTRACTION. Sigh.

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