Greetings my children, and welcome to our first horoscope reading. Ordinarily, the motions of the sun, moon, and planets through the constellations would influence your destiny, and we would read these motions and inform you of upcoming events in your life. This is virtually impossible now, as all of you on the different planes of existence have different suns, moons, planets, and constellations.
Through painstaking research and the cooperation of various enlightened planeswalkers, we have discovered that the motions of the planes through the Blind Eternities can also be used to forecast in a similar way. The mathematics involved are much more intense, but the portents that can be gleaned are much more specific because of this.
Studying the Blind Eternities has revealed new multiversal signs whose readings apply across all the planes. At first, we were only aware of 12 signs, a number related to a naturally occuring pattern in the signs of every plane. But in an odd twist of fate, the Eternities have revealed that a 13th sign does exist. Due to an extremely odd geometric happenstance, this 13th sign (Ophidian) only applies to those born on two dates.
Timmy (Jan 1 – Jan 30)
With all the controversy and complaining going on you may feel tension and stress, especially regarding your deep respect for Blightsteel Colossus. Don’t let it worry you though, unless you end up going Into the Core. If assistance is needed, look to Palladium Myr. If you’re looking to avoid an infection, you can’t go wrong with a nice Massacre Wurm. You might consider following the Praetor’s Counsel, as it will definitely lead to an amazing experience.
Johnny (Jan 31 – Feb 28)
You may experience some confusing romantic feelings this month. If you’re already involved with Chandra Ablaze, don’t worry about these emotions for Galvanoth, they’re only natural and work well within your current relationship. Be sure to avoid X cost spells. If you’re single, perhaps you should look to Thopter Assembly instead, your Sigil Captain is lonely. For a greater challenge, consult the Knowledge Pool, but beware a timely Crush to take away your fun.
Spike (Mar 1 – Mar 31)
You should consider a working partnership with Jace, the Mind Sculptor. He could work for you in the next month, or he could work against you. Regardless of your decision there, you should always err on the side of caution and Go For the Throat whenever necessary. If you’re looking to travel, the Inkmoth Nexus is good this time of year, but you might consider following a Goblin Guide instead.
Vorthos (Apr 2 – May 1)
Prepare to spend a lot of time in quiet contemplation, poring over the merits of the Living Weapons – especially Bonehoard, which has piqued your interest. Training Drone will also be a temptation for you – try to resist it. The new removal is geared towards you, with Burn the Impure, Spread the Sickness, and Phyrexian Rebirth all tickling your fancy. Go with that feeling, it will serve you well.
Melvin (May 2 – May 31)
It is highly probable that a torrid affair will consume your life this month. You’ve been feeling the allure of the Myr Welder for a while now and will be forced to give in. An old friend will re-enter your life sometime soon, bearing Cryptic Annelid as a gift. You should also keep an eye out for a previously unseen Ichor Wellspring, because if you find it you will derive great joy from its inky black simplicity.
Aggro (Jun 1 – Jun 30)
Sadly, it appears this is not a good time for you. Between Landfall, Battle Cry, Quest for the Holy Relic, and Kuldotha Rebirth, you were truly a force to be reckoned with before the Squadron Hawks defected. You can turn them back to your side and partner with the Vengevine to wreak some havoc though! Beware the Pyroclasm, for it will truly wreck your life. Just be careful not to have the RUG pulled out from under you while preparing defense against the birdies.
Control (Jul 1 – Jul 30)
Lotus Cobra and Inferno Titan are two friends you should be stay close to in the coming month. Of course, Jace the Mind Sculptor should remain your constant companion; he is the staunchest ally you have. Ignore the financial drain he caused for the time being. And keep an eye on Stoneforge Mystic, as she can work both for and against you. No matter which way you go, you should probably pack some Ratchet Bombs just in case.
Combo (Jul 31 – Aug 29)
Sadly, your Standard life is going to be a bit empty for the foreseeable future. You can always head to Valakut, the Molten Pinnacle if you take a Primeval Titan with you, but it’s just not the same. Of course if you want to go Extended, then you can always Scapeshift to Valakut and your life will be much improved. Watch out for a Prismatic Omen if you take this path, and be sure to Explore and Cultivate while you’re there. And try to make that whole Time Sieve and Thopter Assembly thing work in your spare time.
Constructed (Aug 30 – Sep 29)
You have some serious decisions to make. Even after deciding whether to follow the path of aggression or the path of permission, you still have many choices ahead of you. No matter which direction you go, you’ve got to have the (Tectonic) Edge over your opponent, so plan accordingly. If choosing aggression, consider finally giving Acidic Slime the respect it has long deserved. And if choosing permission, you must decide between Hawks or not, and which color Titan you want to run. Just don’t skip on your testing and you should be fine.
Limited (Sep 30 – Oct 30)
A mysterious stranger will cut you off from infect after your first pick Blightwidow, but don’t despair – it was still the best choice and will prove itself to you. You will be faced with a decision in the coming days. Choose money over utility only if it’s worth enough to pay for your next draft after your greed causes you to lose this one. Be sure to avoid the Titan Forge unless you have a substantial amount of proliferation; it’s not as good as you think.
Commander (Oct 31 – Nov 30)
Don’t let naysayers bring you down this month. If you think replacing Wrexial, the Risen Deep with Sivitri Scarzam will work for you, then go for it. Just to be safe, avoid Relentless Rats regardless of their legality. You should also learn to stop humoring your opponents when they plead to be left alive for “one more turn” – everyone knows how that turns out. But remember, just because Memnarch can be your general, it doesn’t mean that he should be your general.
MODO (Nov 31 – Dec 31)
Be sure to pay your ISP bill this month. Do not be afraid to use Precursor Golem in strange ways – the engine will take care of all the math for you. Don’t rely too heavily on it; you need to make the effort to remember for yourself the things you MAY do. But you can feel free to Warp World all you like, it’s all automatic. Just don’t forget to open your Draft Pack before entering the queue.
Ophidian (Feb 29, Apr 1)
If you’re sure this isn’t the month to go ahead and end it all, then you should probably rethink it. If you still decide to stick with it, that’s your own problem. To attempt to make life worth it, consider the Decimator Web as your sole source of victory. With Shared Fate. Yeah, that’ll work, go with that.
DISCLAIMER: Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only and may not reflect the outcome of future events, planar invasions, coin flips, mana screw or mass removal. Scry services require a Mana Pool Gold account. Not valid on the planes of Ulgrotha or Shandalar.