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Extraplanar Augury – Innistrad Horoscopes

Augury of InnistradGreetings, my children.  Welcome to another Extraplanar Augury reading.  Our elite team of enlightened planeswalkers have spent a very long time checking their results, which explains the huge gap in time since our last reading.  These results were surprising to say the least.  While peering through the Blind Eternities, they noticed a plane that has recently become important to the planar harmony.  That plane, rife with problems of the spirit as well as the flesh, is known locally as Innistrad, and it is having a profound effect on the multiverse and all who dwell in it.

Because of all the time spent rechecking the data, we have some amazingly specific information for each of you.  Take heed!  You may think “Surely this is too specific to apply to me” as the very subject of our augury passes you by.  Keep your minds, as well as your eyes, open in the coming days…

 

Timmy (Jan 1 – Jan 30)
Be very careful in the coming days.  It is entirely possible that one of your unhatched ideas will turn out monstrous.  Just remember, some evils breathe fire, some evils are made of fire, but all are capable of blasphemous acts.  Beware of those whose aim is to topple you and your giant, life-restoring insect.  Remember, your guardian angel will not always be around to save you.

Johnny (Jan 31 – Feb 28)
Keep your distance from mirrors, as some crazed specter may attack your mind.  Remember, the Grim Reaper does not care about your intentions.  Viewed through the lens of death, a black priest, a maniacal scientist, and even the pope all led parallel lives.  If you are to be saved, it will be through some form of divine reckoning.

Spike (Mar 1 – Mar 31)
You will be approached by a Portuguese man whose personal worth is considerable.  This meeting will lead you to investigate the unknown with vigor.  Be careful that your search does not go horribly wrong.  In case you find yourself running with wolves, be sure to dig up a couple of friends, just for old time’s sake.  And if you should happen across an old ghost and his angelic friends, show some respect.  He has an important destiny to attend to.

Vorthos (Apr 2 – May 1)
Animal rights activists are actually the least of your concerns; there are plenty of other things to take up your time and energy.  You’ve already got that creepy doll that always follows you to worry about.  Your evil twin is still on the loose.  Something keeps trying to come in through your cellar door.  You should keep a wooden stake or a torch handy at all times, just in case.  Or be sure you know how to contact the local authorities, in case that big hunter next door gets mad at you again.

Melvin (May 2 – May 31)
Unfortunately, this is a bit of a low point for you. You may feel like an outcast or a wild animal, or maybe a mad scientist creating your terrifying monster in a distant mountain fortress.  But don’t despair, you have a certain unknown quality that will bring you back to the limelight.  Then you can have your terrible revenge while wearing a fashionable handbag.

Aggro (Jun 1 – Jun 30)
You would do well to remember that anyone from a homeless child to a vampiric nobleman is capable of becoming a merciless predator, so don’t let appearances deceive you.  Be careful not to allow simple instigators to sense weakness lest they become wild.  And watch out for naked invisible rogues with big knives – they will try to outrace you.

Control (Jul 1 – Jul 30)
As it is with all things, especially those related to control, it will begin with a woman.  While you’re fiddling with a bit of forbidden science, she will appear.  You think twice about approaching her, but of course you will not stop.  After an extended period of time with her, you will begin to suffer from terrible nightmares.  She will come to you after an earth-shaking fight and call it quits.  Then she will leave, never to be seen again.

Combo (Jul 31 – Aug 29)
Watch out for a misshapen fiend that is hunting you.  Seek not to disturb the creepy historian that is helping it along, lest he become something much more terrifying.  Remember, even a the most civilized scholar has the potential to become a homicidal brute when placed under adverse conditions.  Be warned, there are some hardy souls thrive under those conditions, no matter what the consequences might be.

Constructed (Aug 30 – Sep 29)
A high-ranking official will question you about your connection to the local top dogs.  This is all a smokescreen.  Be sure to greet the questions with a stony silence, lest your fiery past come to light.  You have devils that should stay out of the public eye, their untold horrors remaining unknown.

Limited (Sep 30 – Oct 30)
Naked invisible rogues carrying runed daggers are your greatest asset, with them you can conquer any opponent.  Your bonds of faith are strong, your travel preparations thorough.  You have created formidable creatures to protect you from harm.  Yet you will always fear those things that go bump in the night, terrified of becoming one of their hapless victims.

Commander (Oct 31 – Nov 30)
Your life has been one of complete leisure in recent months, but this will soon be changing. While traveling in a strange town, you will meet a woman.  Even though she is almost certainly a man, she will bring you back from the brink. You will experience a sort of slow renewal of life while in her company.  That is, until you accidentally summon an army of the damned from the Necronomicon.

MODO (Nov 31 – Dec 31)
There are some things that are just going to constantly bother you, no matter what sort of hocus pocus or abracadabra you use to try to stop it.  Whether you are dealing with those who are dearly departed or those who refuse to go peacefully, you simply cannot change their very nature.  All you can do is clean up afterwards.  And try to bring some of that nature back in a more positive way afterwards.

Ophidian (Feb 29, Apr 1)
Oh good, it’s this guy again.  Look, everyone hates you.  You are not pleasant to the eye by any stretch of the imagination.  They all want you to die in a fire, or at the very least to just go far, far away.  If the public gets their hands on you, you will be crucified. Or maybe fed to cannibals

 

DISCLAIMER: Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only and may not reflect the outcome of future events, planar invasions, coin flips, mana screw or mass removal. Scry services require a Mana Pool Gold account. Not valid on the planes of Segovia or Ir.

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4 Comments

  1. Austin
    January 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm | Permalink

    Love the Disclaimer!

  2. Jars
    January 2, 2012 at 8:33 pm | Permalink

    Hm.. this seems to be missing something..

    maybe.. pictures..? :P

    • January 2, 2012 at 8:43 pm | Permalink

      I know, I know. The plan is to get the individual sign’s pages up as soon as I can. Probably roll them out one a week or something. Whatcha think? :p

      • Jars
        January 11, 2012 at 8:21 pm | Permalink

        sounds awesome. maybe that means i should finish up Spike soon. haha

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