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Planechase: Completely Insane

Talon Gates

Planechase is, just as the title says, completely insane.  This is, quite possibly, the most ridiculous game of Magic ever played.  It was so nuts that I had to write down what happened as it happened so I could make this post and share it with the world.  Please be sure to strap yourselves in, because this is going to be a wild ride.

Mike, Brian and I were sitting at Brian’s kitchen table.  We had decided to play a game of Planechase with the massive stack of all planes using some 60 card casual decks.  I was playing my Soldier deck, Brian was playing his Ink-Treader Nephilim deck, and Mike was playing his dreaded Quest for Ula’s Temple deck.  (Please note that the links in that sentence probably represent older versions of the decks in question.  Except maybe Mike’s.)  I was going first.  I kept a pretty decent opening hand.  We turned up the first card in the Planechase pile…and it was a Mutual Epiphany.  Cool, let’s all draw four cards for our opening hands!  That seems pretty good.  After doing so, we flipped up the next card – Chaotic Aether.  Holy crap.  The most bizarre and oft-overpowered Phenomenon (depending on which plane you ‘walk to after hitting it) has just popped up.  “Of course you realize,” I say to the dorks, “that this means my very first roll will be the Planeswalker symbol, right?”  That’s just how my luck usually runs.  Also, please note that no one has taken any turns yet!

So after we stop giggling about some of the possible planes that we could hit that would be either really funny or really sad, we continue our journey through the Aether.  Where do we end up?  At the Talon Gates.  I’ll give you a second to read that.  Keep in mind that we’ve all got 4 extra cards in hand, so we have PLENTY of fuel for this thing.  I play a Plains and suspend Elspeth Version 1, Gustcloak Savior, Catapult Master, Captain of the Watch, and a pair of Daru Warchief.  I take my free roll, which comes up blank.  Hey, that’s not a blank – it’s Chaos!  I remove two time counters from ALL those suspended spells.  Then I pay 1 mana and take another roll…another blank.  Holy crap!  I suddenly find myself with two Warchiefs (Warchieves?) WITH HASTE and an Elspeth.  On turn 1.  I make a dude, swing at both opponents for 2, and pass the turn happy as can be.

Brian draws his card for the turn and suspends Serra Avatar, Drogskol Reaver, Armillary Sphere, and a pair of Polymorphs (because why not?).  Only after he’s done with all that does he play a Mountain, because Brian’s just gangsta like that.  He takes his free roll…and it’s Chaos!  Not blank, he rolled an actual Chaos.  Yay Armillary Spheres!  Then he taps his Gangsta Mountain like a boss and rolls…Chaos.  Yeah, when we’ve got Chaotic Aether active, he rolls two honest Chaos rolls.  He removes counters from his stuff, pointing the Polymorphs at my Warchieves (Warchiefs?), turning them into a Patrol Signaler and a Catapult Master.  I’m okay with that, personally.  Brian passes his turn, which makes Mike a very happy dork.

Mike plays an Island (Mike is decidedly less gangsta than Brian this game) and suspends a pair of Quest for Ula’s Temple, eliciting curses from me.  Not even under my breath either.  Pretty sure I bellowed them out.  Then he suspends two Augury Owls, a Cryptic Annelid, and a Wrexial.  He takes his free roll…and immediately hits the Planeswalker symbol.  Oh don’t feel bad for him yet – it gets worse.  What he ‘walks into is Morphic Tide.  Yeah, the Warp World Phenomenon.  He curses slightly, sighs deeply, and floats a blue mana.  Here’s what we end up with after the Tide rolls in:

Mike – 1 permanent – Cryptic Annelid
Chewie – 5 permanents – Captain of the Watch, Knight-Captain of Eos, 2 Plains
Brian – 2 permanents – Forest, Harrow (oops)

We find ourselves at the Fields of Summer after passing through the Phenomenon.  Mike misses the roll he took with the floating blue mana and passes to me.

Apparently the Planechase gods are smiling down on me, because this is hardly fair.  I ended up with 4 extra guys and an extra land!  Then my Gustcloak Savior and Catapult Master from last turn (yeah, this is just turn 2) hit the battlefield, gaining me 4 life in the process from the plane.  I play a third (!) Plains, followed by a Field Marshal.  I take my free roll…and gain 10 life by hitting Chaos.  Seriously not fair.  Then, because I know how brutal Mike’s deck is and how slow Brian’s can be, I run over and crush Mike by swinging with a stupid number of dudes.  Yeah, that’s 8 attacking creatures on turn 2, with 2 lords pumping them.  Totally not fair.

Brian, if I remember correctly (the last thing in my notes is “Kill Mike”), looks down at his battlefield that consists of a Forest…and that’s it.  I’m pretty sure he started his turn, attempted to ‘walk away (he could have run into a Planewide Disaster after all), failed miserably, and decided enough was enough.  So I won on turn 2 due to scoop (although I would have just killed him on turn 3).

Planechase is just ridiculous.  For every story you hear about someone getting stuck in a bad plane and it bogging the game down horrendously, like that EDH Planechase Archenemy game we played on Ustream where Eloren Wilds stopped the game (for me anyway), there’s another story where the planes you landed on sped up the game to an unheard of degree…like this one.  Ah, the randomness of a casual alternate play format.

I don’t have a witty or insightful way to end this, I just wanted to share this story with all of you.  Hope you enjoyed it as much as we did at the time.  Also, isn’t it neat that the card image popups work for the planes?  Well I liked it.

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5 Comments

  1. July 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm | Permalink

    I remember one game we used the 40ish original planes with EDH. My buddy was playing his Kresh deck. He was playing first. We set up and flipped the top plane. Krosa. He rolled. Chaos! He played Kresh. ON TURN ONE. After that game we agreed to remove Krosa if Kresh was a commander.

  2. rob
    July 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm | Permalink

    i thoroughly enjoyed reading that. :]

  3. relmz32
    July 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm | Permalink

    Wow, i expected something epic in length and you delivered, but just… not in the way i expected.

    Wow.

  4. July 7, 2012 at 9:55 pm | Permalink

    That was a fun read! I love Planechase, and this is why.

  5. May 15, 2013 at 9:48 pm | Permalink

    Someone pls make a planeschase app for the iTunes Store pls

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